The Psychic Movie Critic: The Social Network Will Be Awesome

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I wonder how many of those are friends with benefits...

Not too long ago I came clean to all of you about how “the accident” gave me psychic powers thus allowing me to accurately predict movie plots, twists and outcomes.  I call upon that power once again to bring you my review of…(dramatic Pause)…The Social Network!

If you do not know about this movie, IMMEDIATELY watch this trailer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this man is no psychic. He's merely waiting for a basketball pass in a dimly lit auditorium. (Or is about to strangle you, I can't see that far in the future.)

I sit in a dark room.  There’s a candle on the table in front of me…you’re about to be treated to a mindblowing feat of sheer psychic prowess.  The air is still…tooo still.  I focus my thoughts…my mind…my being.

FACEBOOK.

I see Mark Zuckerberg…he’s watching The Social Network.  He…he…OMG…he doesn’t like what he sees!

Mark tried to muster a smile as he sat back and watched the unauthorized biopic. No amount of willpower could summon the sheer amount of BS it would require. He was consumed...he would have his revenge... "I'm totally de-friending Jesse Eisenberg when I get home." he thought.

The movie starts slightly slow but quickly builds as the audience is drawn into this amazing tale of the origins of their favorite social site.  At least 1/2 of the movie goers are able to pull their eyes away from the screens long enough to update their profile statuses that they are in the theater.

People think:  “Woah, Jesse Eisenberg has really come a long way.  I think he deserves an Oscar nomination for this role.  He’s finally playing a character that really fits his mold.  Kinda nerdy yet cool in the Weezer Rivers Cuomo hip geek kind of way.”  (Although lets be honest ladies and gentlemen Weezer>Jesse Eisenberg)

Jesse cringes as Viola asks Tina to snap her and Jesse's picture. "OMG your my totes fav! I think you are such a handsome boy, My fourteen year old daughter LOVES you!" Viola exclaims as her hand creeps dangerously close to Jesse's buttcrack. 'Click' "Thanks so much Jesse!" Viola gushes as she winks at Jesse seductively. At last she has a profile pic that doesn't make her butt look big.

Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what to do with his new found fame.  He immediately starts dating a little known much hotter gold-digging model and probably takes up either smoking or marijuana.  Additionally due to technical difficulties his Facebook profile gets shut down and he’s forced to only use Twitter for three months.

Back to the movie.  Despite serious subject matter there are definite points of humor and levity in the film…We see the good, the bad and the ugly of the founding of Facebook with mostly a focus on the ugly, painting Mark Zuckerberg out to be a worse guy than he is.

Mark Zuckerberg. Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be. I can fly higher than an eagle. Cause you are the wind, beneath my wings.

The movie will cause a movement.  It will not only further deepen current users attachment to Facebook, but inspire a whole new group of people to adopt the amazing site.

You think that book has broadband?

Long story short I see BIG things ahead for this movie.  When people look back on 2010 and say.  Oh wow, Robin Hood sucked, Marmaduke sucked, Last Airbender sucked, etc. sucked.  They’ll at least have a few bright spots in Toy Story 3, Inception and The Social Network.  Mark my words people.  THIS is a movie you do not want to miss.

"I love facebook so you should 'Like' this post!" said Jim.

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The Psychic Movie Critic: Knight and Day

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As I’m psychic, I’m about to spoil this movie for you…Two days before it comes out!!!  (Correction, it actually came out today!  Whoops.  Oh well, I posted before it opened on the West Coast.  I.e. Still psychic.)

It may look like I'm about to whirl these hands around a crystal ball... Well, here's a prediction: in all seriousness...you're about to get touched...

So I’m not sure if you all know this, but ever since…the accident…I’ve seen things, known things, and felt things, the average human being is not privy too.  A modern day Nostradamus, I’ve predicted the Greek banking crisis, the Lakers NBA tournament victory and yes, even the departure of a one missus Amanda Bynes from the entertainment industry.  (Selena Gomez, YOU are next.)

"Turds," thought Gomez.

While the police, and government would have me use these powers for good, I’ve decided to employ them on your behalf to fill you in on how the latest Tom Cruise, Cameron Diaz movie Knight and Day will come out.

Prepare to be amazed.

Things are very dark, yes, dark times indeed.  The lights!!! They’re all out.  I hear a sound!!! What is it?!?!? Just the THX sound.  Ahhh, no worries,  I’m scared,  it’s so…cold.  I set down my icy cold Coke zero and snuggle deeper into my gray Hoodie that is completely unnecessary in the middle of summer yet I continue to wear because I love it.

Oh my god.

"I know just who'll give males 13-45 a boner..." thought Director James Mangold. "Yea...She'll be perfect!"

I see Cameron Diaz flailing, she’s hurt, no wait, she’s a tough girl and too tough to be hurt by a rogue agent like Tom.  Tom shoots someone, oh wow he saves her but then shoots some more people.  She doesn’t trust him.  “He’s crazy,” she thinks to herself.  But maybe…just maybe she’s crazy enough also to go along with this.  Then, woah, a twist.  She has hard evidence he’s off his rocker.  Or does she???  Tom shoots someone else.  They exchange witty banter.  They laugh.  Cameron loses herself in his eyes for just a moment.  The rest of her life flashes before her eyes!

She sees kids and minivans and a husband who’s stopped taking care of himself, Oh my!!!

But Hun-neeee!!! I can't pick up little L. Ron and Tracy from Daycare, you know Tuesdays are my fantasy baseball night.

Next Cameron thinks to herself. “What if he leaves me?  What if he doesn’t love me and goes and marries,” gasp “a brunette!?!”

Then she ponders a second longer.  “WHAT IF THEY GET MATCHING HAIRCUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

"Pretty damn hard to see straight, what with all this hair in my right eye..."

"If I block my left eye and my sig-other blocks their right...yes...this just may be the perfect plan. We'll see eye to eye on everything!"

I also see…hmmm, this is interesting…more explosions.  Fish out of water, Cameron doesn’t know how to use a gun.  Yes, Tom…teaches her.  She’s almost killed, he saves her, we’re nearing some kind of conclusion.  It’s murky, it’s so hard to see.  Must…focus…powers……EXPLOSION.  ANOTHER EXPLOSION!!!  BAM!!! BANG!!! RAPID FIRE GUNSHOTS!!! Annnnnnnd they kiss and live happily ever after.

An opposites attract couple destined to be a slightly better version than the Katherine Heigl/Ashton Kutcher version Killers that nobody went to see in the summer of 2010, that will then make the HBO free movie rounds in 2011, and will finally never be seen again after 2020.

Lastly, Tom Cruise will do the talk show circuit…

"It's ok." Oprah thought to herself. It's only Ikea.

…And Cameron Diaz will reprise the role of Princess Fiona in a special Broadway revival.

"Ahhh, now we have an excuse to be fat," William thought. "We're ogres."

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