Box Office Game #2: Machete – Multiple Prizes

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So with all the fun I had with Box Office Game #1 I’ve decided to do another contest.  This time with some tweaks to make Game #2 bigger and better than the first one.

One week from tomorrow Machete starring Danny Trejo, Lindsay Lohan, Cheech Marin, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert DeNiro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal and Don Johnson opens everywhere.

When I compile my list of this year's top 10 films I'm pretty sure this movie will...make the cut.

The rules for this contest are very simple and participation is free.

1.  Subscribe to the blog via email and confirm your email address when WordPress sends you the confirmation email.

2.  Email your guess for how much money Machete will make in it’s opening weekend domestically. 10 Million?  15 Million?  2 Million?  (Guesses stop at 12 midnight on Thursday September 2nd.)

3.  The closest guess wins.

Now you may be asking: “What do I win Rob?  I LOOOOOOVEEE prizes!”

Answer:  TONS OF COOL PRIZES. (3 actually)

1.  $25 Gift Card to store of your choice.  (If I can purchase the gift card online you can have it.)

Your pick, any card, anywhere, to use on ANYTHING.

2.  HARDWARE.  This is the prize I’m most excited about.  Probably because as a kid I enjoyed winning trophies so much.  You will receive a Fixing Films Box Office Champ #1 trophy for first place.

Yes, mullets really do rock.

This is a trophy my friend Jae and I made for a Wrestling video game competition. Yes that's tin foil, colored tape and a wash cloth for a cape. He even has a champion's belt. P.S the trophy's hair is REAL cat hair from Jae's couch!!!

Note:  Your trophy will be real, NOT homemade.

3.  Certificate of Awesomeness.  Nothing says, I’m better than you than a certified certificate from movie blog website.  Proudly display this in your living room, dining room, bedroom or cubicle.  Your friends and co-workers will be so jealous when they see their inadequacy painted out for them in plain English.  Makes a great talking piece and is a great resume builder!

Are you awesome enough to be certified?

Any questions?  Email for answers.  Current subscribers just send an email with your guess.  So, what are you waiting for…SUBSCRIBE!!!


The Last Airbender: Ultra-Turd

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So I very recently treated myself to a little double feature of Despicable Me and The Last Airbender.  The yin and yang of my week, I was pleased with one and vastly disappointed in the other.  Can you guess which is which?!?!

When asked to comment on the poor critical reviews of his latest bomb M. Night Shyamalan replied: "At least it wasn't The Happening."

M. Night Shyamalan was once a young director with a promising career.  Now?  THIS.

"Kids love special effects!" thought M. Night to himself. "I think on this movie I'll replace all the actual acting with special effects. Yea, that's a swell idea!!!"

And so this is where one of the worst movies of the year begins.  The first thing M. Night did to sabotage this series is bring in a ringer…Noah Ringer.  I know you’re young and still developing, but kid you may want to consider another line of work, maybe something that requires no facial expression like engineering, or janitorial technician-ing.

Mr. Night also apparently lost his knack for story telling as much of the story is literally told to us through narration rather than showing us like any good director knows to do.  The movie clocks in at a svelt hour and 43 minutes and therein lies the problem.  The movie is too short.  While I’ve never been an Airbender fan and don’t know much about the series I do know that this idea, this concept is much bigger than 103 minutes.  To get a proper background, develop the characters and make us care, the movie needs to be about 45 minutes longer, more like Lord of the Rings.

So what the hell happened?  Did the studio say.  “OMG we need a shorter movie for the kids!”  Did M. Night just get tired 75% through and say, “Well, looks good enough to me!”

Fixing Films asked Dev Patel to comment on The Last Airbender and it’s epic crappiness.

"I took one look at this picture and realized I looked like a big pussy. M. Night told me I'd be totally badass as a Fire Nation prince. I signed on before reading the script...or watching his last several movies...BIG mistake!"

(Fixing Films would like to OFFICIALLY salute Dev Patel for his Slumdog Millionaire performance.  THAT is how a movie is supposed to be!”

So let’s just really quickly outline the major problems with this film.

1.  Acting is terrible.  Noah Ringer can’t and Jackson Rathbone is not far behind in terribleness.

"The only thing colder than this set is the ice in peoples hearts after seeing the film." P.s. "I'm Jasper in Twilight. Team Edward Yo!"

2.  Story points rushed along with bad dialogue narration.  Example “OMG we learned a lot at the Water temple.  LOL we freed some Earthbender villages…”  NO!  SHOW ME M. NIGHT!!!

3.  Nobody learns anything.  Aang wakes up from sleep and learns some water bending tricks.  He decides he’ll be the Avatar.  Big whoop.  It feels cheap.  Sokka learns nothing.  Katara learns some water bending and nothing else.  Dev Patel is still trying to kidnap Aang at the end and learns nothing.  NOBODY HAS AN ARC OR GOES THROUGH ANY MAJOR CHANGE.

Dear M. Night,

For audiences to care about your movies your

characters have to be relate-able and go through an emotional transformation.

Please incorporate this into your future films and I’ll await my royalty

check for the best advice you’ve ever received.

Hugs, Rob.

4.  Character development is TERRIBLE.  Best example of this is the romance between Sokka and Princess Yue.  When she’s forced to make the decision to sacrifice her life for the Water people and Sokka’s all butt-hurt about it, I (and the rest of the audience I’m pretty sure) didn’t give a damn.  “Woah she’s gonna die, oh well!”  At what point in the story did these two fall in love?  Oh wait it was when the narration came in and said: “Sokka really took a liking to the princess.”  One second they don’t know each other the next they are in love and she’s dying and he’s crying.  HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE.

Best parts of movie:

1.  Special Effects.  Hey M. Night, Spiderman 2 had special effects also.  The difference?  That movie was good.

See that background people. That scaffold and greenscreen is millions of dollars of un-recooped box office sales... And Noah, you are NOT the Karate Kid.

2.  Seychelle Gabriel (Princess Yue).  She’s hot with her Steve Martin white hair.  I can’t wait to see her in Airbender 2.  Oh wait!  M. Night killed her off in the first one and she had three minutes of actual screen time dammit!

3.  Dev Patel.  At least he can act.

I don't even have a smart ass comment for this picture. Love you guys!

Hey Aang! Why don't you use that bowstaff to smack some filmmaking prowess back into Mr. Shyamalan!

M. Night actually wrote this character into Lady in the Water. Fixing Films Flashback!!!! Casting session 2005: M: "So Freddy, you really want this part huh?" Freddy: "Yes Mr. M sir. I'd do anything!: M: "Anything???"

If you miss The Sixth Sense and wonder whatever happened to Haley Joel Osment then…Subscribe.