Catfish: Big Fat LIES.

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That's not your real mouse clicker hovering over this picture Einstein.

 

“Don’t let anyone tell you what it is.”  So sayeth the tagline to Catfish a Docu/Mockumentary starring Yaniv Schulman (or Nev.)  I’m here today to tell you what it is.  One big fat filmmaking fail.

The story revolves around Yaniv Schulman, a 24 year old hipster, complete with nerd glasses, cutoff jorts (jean shorts) and a tramp stamp above his ass.

 

Nev's tramp stamp is very similar to this. Once again I am NOT kidding although Nev prefers red tighty-whities to the much less teste constricting boxers.

 

He is a photographer and when one of his photos makes it into a magazine, an 8 year old girl paints it and starts a facebook friendship with him.  He has regular conversations with the girls mom Angela, and 19 y/o daughter Megan.  The relationship blossoms and he falls for Megan.

SPOILER.  Turns out Megan, Angela and everyone else supporting the story is all the creation of the creepy mom Angela who paints the pictures herself and pretends to be a smoking hot 19 year old.  Ahh the wonders of Facebook!

Yaniv and his filmmaking brother decide to get to the bottom of the story and travel to Michigan to uncover the truth when holes start to pop up in the family’s story.

 

The first of the holes in Angela's story! It's a big un'!!!

 

PROBLEMS.  According to IMDB the filmmakers claim this is a real story.  FALSE.  It is staged and a big ole fat hoax.  If you go to IMDB here you can even see that the film is classified as a “thriller” instead of a documentary.

I’ve been disappointed a few times this year but wowsers this one really pissed me off.  If the story were true I would say the film was “mildly interesting.”  Now knowing that it’s staged I feel the film is “anger inducing ca-ca.”  The only thing that kept me from completely flying off the handle was the fact that Angela had to take care of her husbands two mentally handicapped step children.  That tugs at my heart strings but still makes me Hulkishly angry knowing that the filmmakers took advantage of this to humanize Angela.

 

I Can Has Toof Brush?

 

I would urge NOBODY to see this movie.  I gave it a 1 in my 2010 film rankings bringing it neck and neck with M. Night’s Ultra turd The Last Airbender.

 

THIS is a catfish.

 

 

THIS is a catfish (or part of one...or probably several heavily processed bits of hundreds of catfish.)

 

 

THIS is a catfish. This is also a man with 1/2 a brain but yes, still a catfish.

 

 

THIS is NOT a catfish. This is 3 New York Hipsters out to steal the money in your wallet in exchange for watching them Hip around for 105 minutes.

 

I’ll leave you with a few thoughts.

1.  45 minutes into the movie I looked at my watch.  I thought I’d been there for over an hour.  I knew then that something was amiss…

2.  When the movie got over a middle aged man and his wife got up the INSTANT the credits started rolling.  He tartly told his wife, “LET’S GO.”  Outside the theater I heard him say “It shouldn’t have been called Catfish, it should have been called Suckfish.  It sucked.”  She gently tried to stand up for the movie she’d very obviously dragged her unwilling husband to.  He only replied:  “It sucked.”

3.  These filmmakers have cast their lines, fishing for an audience for a falsely advertised and poorly concepted movie.  A word of caution.  DON’T BITE.

Horrible Films of the 1990’s: Part 1

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I was thinking today about some of my favorite movies which led to me asking, “What are some of the worst films I’ve ever seen?”

These aren’t just bad movies, rather they are so bad that if I saw them playing on tv I would unfortunately be forced to watch them again to just confirm their god-awfulness.  For this entry I’ll keep it to five terrible movies from the 1990’s.

Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy.

1.  The Stupids (1996) – Starring Tom Arnold

Premise:  A family of dumbass suburbanites discover their garbage is being “stolen” out of their garbage cans and set out to investigate only to uncover an international weapons deal.

I guess maybe I'm the stupid one for paying to see this...

Well I can’t find the trailer but here’s “the best of The Stupids” from Youtube.  (That’s basically like picking out the whole kernels of corn in a wet turd.)

2.  Breakfast of Champions (1999) – Starring Bruce Willis

From renowned author Kurt Vonnegut comes the movie adaption of the hit novel!!!

Premise:  A suicidal car dealer meets a sci-fi writer?  There are acid trips, some kid in a bunny suit, adultery and giant heaps of Vonnegut inspired self importance.

January 5th, 1999: Bruce Willis smiles nervously at the camera. "Wow," he thinks "I look like a real patriot in this American Flag stuff, this movie's gonna be epic! And Demi said there'd be hell to pay if this thing bombs. Ha, I'll show her!"

Oh here’s a nice little clip from the movie that WON”T make you want to tear out your eyeballs and start burning Vonnegut novels.

3.  Blues Brothers 2000 (released in 1998) – Starring John Goodman and Dan Akyroyd

So my mom was out of town visiting my grandparents in Indianapolis and my dear old dad decided it was time for a little father/son bonding and us fellas were gonna go see us a movie.  This was that movie.  Let this be your warning people.  Sometimes the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

Premise:  The same as the first Blues Brothers movie whereas this time it’s only Elwood Blues on a mission from God to reunite the band and raise money for the children’s hospital.  John Goodman John Belushi.

"The Blues are back???" By blues I'm guessing they're referring to the oppressive sadness I felt from bad movie induced IBS.

Wow, let’s pump the trailer full of celebrities and maybe people won’t notice how much they hate it!

4.  It’s Pat (1994) – Starring NOBODY

Of all the SNL skits turned movies this may be the worst.

Premise:  Male/Female, undetermined sex person, Pat, falls in love with Chris, another person of questionable pee parts.  Pat’s neighbor is obsessed with finding out what Pat is and we are forced to sit there for 90 minutes to try and uncover this for ourselves.

"I must have a wiener because anyone that saw this movie got totally boned!"

Ready for a tuba performance by Pat with semi-famous band Ween followed by a mushroom induced trip?  Yea me neither, but low and behold here it is!

5. Kazaam (1996) – Starring Shaq

What’s funny is that they actually let Shaq star in another movie after this one.  Funnier still?  I saw that one too. (Steel, 1997)

Premise:  Max is a young loner growing up on the rough streets of New York City.  One day while being chased by bullies he stumbles upon a magical boombox that is home to a 7′ tall rapping genie who must grant him three wishes.  (Yes, I’m serious.)

"Our audience is hipper, cooler than they used to be," spoke writer Paul Glaser. "We need something fresh, new, something to really make them sit up and take notice...now bear with me...what if...the genie doesn't come out of a lamp...rather...A BOOM BOX!!!!" Studio Executives erupt in applause, confetti rains from the ceiling and they all KNOW they are in the presence of genius.

If you watch ONE video from this page.  Click this one.  Kazaam’s freestyle rap entrance.  Classic.

If you saw any one of these movies and totally regret it, subscribe.