Heidi Montag Crosses Over Into Film!

Leave a comment

I don’t usually like to write about Celebrity gossip but this has a film tie-in.  (I may be stretching.)

So former The Hills reality television star and professional Blonde, Heidi Montag is about to make that big crossover to serious film she’s been wanting to do for some time now.  Too bad for her it’s a different kind of ‘serious’ film.

In case you’re wondering what Heidi looks like these days seeing as she’s had double digit plastic surgeries we think she still looks relatively like the Barbie on the right.

Hey, at least she doesn't need her wing-ies in the pool anymore.

And who’s to thank for her upcoming crossover fame?  Her estranged husband, Harry from Harry and the Hendersons. (Spencer Pratt)

Beards: They're just not as manly bleached.

According to sources over the weekend, Spencer is in talks with Vivid Entertainment to sell not just one, not just two, but a LIBRARY of sex tapes he’s made with his wife, the first one being a compilation for around $5 million dollars.

Among other things Spencer claims it’s “The Citizen Kane of Sex Tapes.”

Rose...Butt?

You might also be interested to hear that it’s not just Spencer and Heidi…it’s also Heidi and former Playboy playmate Karissa Shannon!  Wowsers!

If you can’t wait to get a glimpse of Heidi’s acting chops look no further than here where she auditions for the lead role in Transformers 3!

Question: How many guns did Megan Fox fire in Transformers 1 and 2?

Answer:  ZERO.

Apparently Heidi is pretty broken up about the whole thing and as such asked all her Twitter followers to send her prayers and happy thoughts.  Here’s some unsolicited advice:

Heidi:  When times get tough DON’T BE AN IDIOT.  No one on Twitter can help you.  You should probably go hang with your family and maybe repair that relationship you busted with your mom when you had 10 surgeries done at once and decided to marry a total asshole.

Spencer:  You claim to be Christian right?  Well, have fun in Hell.  Get out of the spotlight and STOP DYEING YOUR BEARD WHITER THAN SANTA CLAUSE!

There’s a lesson to be learned from this.  Every marriage has it’s…Hills AND it’s Valleys.

Ladies and Gentleman, the shifty eyes of a bad, bad man.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Making it Better

9 Comments

So my friend saw this movie 7 months ago and told me it was spectacular.  Another friend saw it 3 weeks ago and said it was good.  As some of you know, (and some don’t) Scott Pilgrim was a big fat box office FAIL this past weekend.  Made for $60 million and with an opening weekend of $10.6 million you don’t really need a calculator to see that the numbers just don’t add up.  But how could it have been better?

C'mon Scott, you've never going to get the girl playing a BASS guitar. Chicks dig AXE Men. This applies to both the body spray and the choice of string instrument!

Making it better:

1.  Too repetitive.  By about the 3rd evil ex I’m pretty tired of the whole rinse and repeat cycle.  Granted the video game stylization is awesome but is it awesome enough to keep everyone entertained for it’s 112 minutes?  I was, others weren’t.

2.  Ramona Flowers.  I think the simple fact is that she’s not that likable.  When does the audience really get to see her softer side or sympathize with why Scott’s so in love with her.  Answer:  They don’t.  Scott’s other girlfriend, Knives Chau, at least has a youthful naiveté that stirs empathy in the viewer.  Ramona maybe should have considered another movie…

After I photoshopped this I realized it should say...Ramona and...Ramona... Whoops.

3.  A little too ‘hip.’  I felt like other Micheal Cera vehicles struck a good balance of hip and cool.  Superbad, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Juno.  This movie however had parts that were so stylized and dialogue that whizzed by so fast I wasn’t quite sure what was going on.  Am I stupid?  Maybe.  But my 135 on a completely unscientific online IQ test would lead me to believe otherwise.

Yes, this is the new definition of cool and personally I'm 100% fine with that. P.s. Is that shirt made from early 90's wallpaper?

4.  Marketing.  I think that someone on the marketing team at XYZ Marketing Company really needs quick slap.  Why not play up the video game aspect of the movie more???  You probably could have stolen at least a few Mill off the gamers that shelled out cash for The Expendables.  Maybe they could have even combined the two movies…

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Expendables: This time "The Blowout" is more than just a haircut!

Despite what I just said I really did enjoy the movie and would recommend seeing it in the theaters.  It’s fun and I haven’t really seen anything quite like it.  It unfortunate that films are always hailed or panned by how they perform their opening weekend.  Hopefully Scott Pilgrim can take a lesson from it’s Sly Stallone competition, not give up and come out swinging in the second round.

Michael Cera gives the lead singer a little head between songs.

We didn't start the fire...Scott Pilgrim did.

So, now you tell me.  What would you have done differently to make this movie better than it already was?

Fixing Films Box Office Game Winner…

Leave a comment

Weeks ago readers battled it out trying to guess the domestic box office take of Predators…Two men made the exact same guess.  The playoff happened this past weekend….

Drum roll please.  After the severely lackluster performance of Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World this weekend in our Fixing Films Box Office Game Playoff we have a winner.  With an opening weekend bid guess of 18 Million Dollars…GLENN GULIA is our winner!!!  He’s taking home a $25 movie gift card, bragging rights and some serious R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

"Wake up Glenn!!! You won the Fixing Films Box Office Challenge!!!" Glenn shifted slightly in his seat but did not wake up, no, he'd long ago learned to drown out the hi-pitched whine of the dreaded, girl friend nag.

But who is the actual man behind Glenn Gulia?  Ladies and Gentlemen, meet: Glen Scott!

Glen Scott:  A hotshot young creative director with a desire to perspire and a thirst for first.  Check out those guns!  Check out that winning smile!

The look of victory, success and sheer manliness. Extra points for a perfectly maintained Man Beard.

Fixing Films sat down with Glen Scott to ask him how it felt to be totally awesome.

Fixing Films:  How does it feel to be the winner of the first ever Fixing Films box office Game?

Glen:  Feels natural. Winning fits like a glove to me. Besides, I just don’t accept losing at movie-blog-box-office-guessing-games.

Fixing Films:  Are you psychic?

Glen:  Yes.  Like Cate Blanchett in The Gift.  Which is a good movie cause you get to see Mrs. Cruise’s boobs. And my psychic abilities tell me that I’ve seen them more than Tom has.

Fixing Films:  If you could make out with any actress who would it be?  Any Actor?

Glen:  Helen Mirren and Norm MacDonald.

Fixing Films:  What’s your favorite movie and why?

Glen:  Steel Cut Hope.  It stars James Van Der Beek as a mid-level accountant in Omaha.  He’s deep in the high-intrigue world of grain processing.  After uncovering a conspiracy he goes on the run.  Filled with high-speed chases across the plains of Nebraska he finds love, vindication and more importantly, himself.  The love interest is played by the stunning Lark Voohries.  It’s North by Northwest meets Jury Duty. What’s not to love?  Now I just need to write the screenplay.

Coming soon to a theater near you!

Well Mr. Scott we here at Fixing Films congratulate you.  You’re the sole survivor, the cat’s pajamas and yes, even the bees knees.

Step aside Rocky. There's a new sheriff in town...

To all the rest of you that didn’t win, you will have another chance.  Stay tuned and subscribe on the right for your next chance to win the BIG FAT PRIZES we have in store for you this September.

Tears of sheer unabashed joy. This could be you ladies and gentlemen. This could be you.

Subscribe if you want chances to win free stuff!!!  And click here to learn more about Glen Scott!!!

Awesome Movies You Probably Missed

7 Comments

I like to imagine that for every person out there, there exists a catalog or library of films that really speak to someone.  Films that you watch and say “Oh my god, I can’t believe I’ve never seen this and now I have to watch it again.”

For me it took till I was in college to finally see The Godfather.  I waited over a year until I watched Slumdog Millionaire.  I’ve still been putting off seeing The Sound of Music, Casablanca and Gone With the Wind.

These movies don’t always have to be film classics and I’m writing today about movies you may have missed and need to rent immediately.

1.  Army of Darkness (1993) – The third installment of The Evil Dead series, Bruce Campbell is at his finest in this masterpiece of horror/comedy.  Much more comedy than horror I have literally seen this movie dozens of times and still continue to laugh.  It tells the story of Ash a department store clerk or accidentally summons the dead and gets transported back to medieval times.  He now much retrieve the Book of the Dead to send himself back to the future and defeat the evil Deadite army.  Don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first two, there is a quick montage in the beginning which fills you in on the previous happenings and puts you right where you need to be to start the film.  Before there was Spiderman there was Army of Darkness.  Thank you Sam Raimi!

If this isn't the most badass photo ever taken I don't know what is.

2.  Requiem For a Dream (2000) –  Called the #2 best film of the decade by film critic James Berardinelli this is THE must see anti-drug movie.  It follows four people and their paths through addiction from weed, to heroin, cocaine and speed.  It not only should be required viewing for every DARE program across the U.S. but also screened for misbehaved juveniles who need a reminder that if you don’t want to end up dead, in jail or in a mental institution to JUST SAY NO.  Note:  You must be in a certain mood to enjoy this movie.  It is a DOWNER.  You will however continue to think about this movie long after you see it and be happy you experienced it.

Everyone in this movie gives a great performance. Yes even Marlon "Scary Movie 2" Wayans. Burstyn even got an Oscar nomination for this.

3.  City of Ember (2008) – Mediocre execution but great concept and great visuals.  While more geared towards kids this films tells the story of what life is like for a group of people who have been raised underground when life on the surface of Earth became impossible.  They’ve forgotten their exit plan and now are faced with the technological collapse of their infrastructure.  Global Warming Avocates take note.  This could be us in a few years!

After the Shawshank county police sniffed out his trail Andy Dufrene was forced to hide out underground in the City of Ember!

4.  The Last King of Scotland (2006) – The movie that won Forest Whitaker an Oscar and based on a true story The Last King of Scotland is the kind of movie that makes you happy you were born into something better.  It’s brutal, honest and shot beautifully.  Forrest Whitaker and James McAvoy both deserve kudos for this film as the acting is superb and really draws you into these characters.

Forest really puts the Dick in Dictator in his portrayal of former Ugandan ruler Idi Amin.

5.  Donnie Darko (2001) – Occasionally you come across someone who hasn’t seen this film that brought Jack (and Maggie) Gyllenhaal to the the limelight.  It tells the story of a mentally disturbed high school teen who starts having visions and is counting down the days to the end of the world.  Set in the 1980’s with and amazing soundtrack and a cameo-esq role by Patrick Swayze if you haven’t seen this movie do it right now.  20 years from now this will be a Sci-fi classic.  Note:  Director Richard Kelly also recently directed The Box starring Cameron Diaz.  DO NOT judge Kelly’s work by The Box as this and that movie are not even in the same league.

I'm just wondering which one's going to pull the yawn move first.

6.  Memento (2000) – Some people love it and some people hate it.  I love it and hope you do it.  Directed by the guy that brought you The Dark Knight and the more recent Inception, Christopher Nolan first cut his teeth with this film.  It follows, Leonard, a man who was shot in the head while protecting his wife and can no longer build memories.  He is limited to remembering the previous 3-5 minutes of his life.  We watch as Leonard hunts for his wife’s killer except the story is told in reverse.  We see where Leonard has ended up and the flashback upon flashback builds to an exciting conclusion.

You mean Trinity from Matrix was in another movie?!?! Woah! I never knew that...

7.  The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004) – Wes Anderson fans might argue that The Royal Tenenbaums is his quintessential work but I disagree.  With surreal visuals Anderson takes us on an undersea journey with Steve Zissou as he hunts for an elusive creature, reconnects with his lost son and battles his arch-rival (Jeff Goldblum.)  It’s funny, it’s mentally and visually stimulating and Bill Murray is perfect in the role as Zissou.

I wish real submarines had giant windows and were piloted by wise-cracking ghostbusters. Uggg, reality.

8.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) – Mind messing movies seems to be a trend of the past decade and this is one of the better ones.  When Joel and Clementine fall out of love she goes to a doctor who selectively deletes all memories of their relationship.  In his despair he reluctantly does the same.  The movie follows Joel as his memories are slowly killed and he realizes the consequences of what he’s chosen to do.  Dramatic, somewhat funny with a touch of romance this is a great movie.

Kate Winslet set the trend for Scott Pilgrim's Ramona Flowers 6 years ago. You copycat!

9.  Festen (The Celebration)  (1998) – I usually can’t see past the subtitles on foreign films but if they are especially good I do.  This film starts at the 60th birthday celebration of a large family’s father.  The eldest son gets up to give his speech and gives his father two choices of speech, the green envelope or the red envelope.  His decision makes for a disturbing and dramatic film.

The stress of another year really takes it's toll on old man Jacobs. "Too Much Birthday!" he thinks to himself between mean old man frowns.

Fixing Films: Box Office Game…Tie Breaker – Faceoff

Leave a comment

That’s right Ladies and Gentlemen.  Two of the entries in the Predators edition of the Fixing Films Box Office game were the exact same and are the closest to the actual total.  To preserve anonymity we will call these two gentlemen: Marlon Brando (Actor) and Glen Gulia (Wedding Singer Character.)  With guesses of $52,000,000 each and the current domestic total sitting at $50,497,643 this is game over for the rest of you but as for Glen and Brandon Marlon…

A faceoff.

Truly a battle of good vs. evil. Will Glen Gulia prove to be Marlon Brando's Kryptonite? Will Brando finally bust Glen Gulia for all those "working late" nights in the city?

The playoff will be played IMMEDIATELY this weekend with box office predictions for the OPENING WEEKEND of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  Please note.  This is OPENING WEEKEND ONLY so we have immediate results.

C'mon people, in a real battle The World would win. He'd literally have to defeat 6,861,194,834 other people. I don't buy it. (Figuratively I don't buy it, I'll literally be buying it when I purchase my ticket this weekend...)

The best of luck to both of our contestants and we’ll have the results Monday, August 16th!

3-D Movies: Draining Dupes’ Dough

Leave a comment

I was in the theater recently attending a good movie when all of the sudden mine eyes were cursed with having to watch a trailer for the next Step Up movie…this time in 3D.  Now the first thing that struck me was:  How in the hell did they convince enough people to see the first Step Up movie to necessitate two sequels and second, why in the hell would anyone care about seeing this in 3D?

I wish this was a joke but it's not. I'm simultaneously speechless and disgusted knowing this thing is probably going to net a profit.

So what is the driving force behind this MASSIVE resurgence of the 3D format?  If you guessed money you would be a smart cookie.  There is an average $4 price increase on 3D tickets over their 2D counterparts.  This equates to bigger box-office totals and more cash to fund Saw sequels.  Speaking of Saw sequels, guess what’s coming out this fall???

Eye think I'll be skipping this one.

Are you excited yet?  All the big hits are starting to come out in 3D.  However, not all 3D is created equal.  Some movies like this years Clash of the Titans and The Last Airbender were converted to 3D while movies like Avatar and Toy Story 3 were created that way to begin with.  Make sure before you go see a film to check weather or not it was filmed originally in 3D or if it has been converted.  (FYI most are converted in post-production and you can tell because not all the layers are 3D and it looks way crappier.)

A 1978 Cult B-Movie becomes a 2010 feast of terrible. If this movie succeeds I'll...EAT...my words.

Here’s a look at a few other 3D “Gems” Hollywood has in store of us the rest of this year.

1.  Resident Evil:  Afterlife (September 10th, 2010)

"How am I still young enough to be in these movies?" thought Milla Jovovich to herself. "Aren't all the pimply fanboys into World of Warcraft or Starcraft or some nonsense?"

2.  Alpha and Omega (September 17th, 2010)

No, no he won't.

3.  Legend of the Guardians (September 24th, 2010)

Whoooooooooooo is ready for an Owl City tie-in? Wait a minute...don't Owl's (gulp) eat Fireflies???

Update 9/1/10 I was right!!! I totally called this three weeks ago!

4.  Jackass 3D (October 15th, 2010)

If you're into 3D full frontal male nudity then THIS is the must see movie of 2010. Yes, the floppy dong flys out into the crowd.

5. Megamind (November 5th, 2010)

Why do they have the EXACT same eyebrow furrow?

6.  Tangled (November 12th, 2010)

I'm not quite sure how you can make a 90 minute movie about climbing up a tower and saving the hairiest girl in the world but...here it is.

7.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:  Pt. 1 (November 19th, 2010)

Walletis Lightenus!!! Get ready to shell out some cash for HP7 3D. At $15/pop and broken into two parts it'll cost you $30+ dollars to see the whole thing. Who's ready for wand in the face???

8.  The Chronicles of Narnia:  Voyage of the Dawn Treader (December 10th, 2010)

My Mane Man Aslan reps hard for that 3rd dimension. Make sure to also pick up the soundtrack by Coolio featuring "Fantastic Voyage."

9.  Yogi Bear (December 17th, 2010)

I have not read or heard ANYTHING about this movie and am 99% sure it will be a commercial failure. Anyone want to make a bet?

10.  Tron Legacy (December 17th, 2010)

Tron 2: Because the first one was so...awesome?

Looking at all the “exciting” 3D films in store for the rest of the year I want to make a little prediction.  The only way 3D is going to catch on for good, not be so gimmicky and become more commercially viable is if the porn industry embraces it.  I’m NOT kidding.  Do a little research and you’ll discover that porn was to thank for the success of VHS as well as is credited with making the internet commercially viable.  Guys want to look at naked girls and if they can do that from the comfort of their home in 3D then 3D will be a STAPLE of the future.  Mark my words.  10 years from now 3D porn, television, etc. will be the norm but only if the skin industry embraces it first.

In the meantime you’ll have to placate yourself by watching the latest Saw movie I talked about earlier.  I’m sure you all can’t wait!

Coming soon to a theater near you...the woodworking film of the year: Saw 3D!!!

Please Subscribe.

The Psychic Movie Critic: The Social Network Will Be Awesome

2 Comments

I wonder how many of those are friends with benefits...

Not too long ago I came clean to all of you about how “the accident” gave me psychic powers thus allowing me to accurately predict movie plots, twists and outcomes.  I call upon that power once again to bring you my review of…(dramatic Pause)…The Social Network!

If you do not know about this movie, IMMEDIATELY watch this trailer.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this man is no psychic. He's merely waiting for a basketball pass in a dimly lit auditorium. (Or is about to strangle you, I can't see that far in the future.)

I sit in a dark room.  There’s a candle on the table in front of me…you’re about to be treated to a mindblowing feat of sheer psychic prowess.  The air is still…tooo still.  I focus my thoughts…my mind…my being.

FACEBOOK.

I see Mark Zuckerberg…he’s watching The Social Network.  He…he…OMG…he doesn’t like what he sees!

Mark tried to muster a smile as he sat back and watched the unauthorized biopic. No amount of willpower could summon the sheer amount of BS it would require. He was consumed...he would have his revenge... "I'm totally de-friending Jesse Eisenberg when I get home." he thought.

The movie starts slightly slow but quickly builds as the audience is drawn into this amazing tale of the origins of their favorite social site.  At least 1/2 of the movie goers are able to pull their eyes away from the screens long enough to update their profile statuses that they are in the theater.

People think:  “Woah, Jesse Eisenberg has really come a long way.  I think he deserves an Oscar nomination for this role.  He’s finally playing a character that really fits his mold.  Kinda nerdy yet cool in the Weezer Rivers Cuomo hip geek kind of way.”  (Although lets be honest ladies and gentlemen Weezer>Jesse Eisenberg)

Jesse cringes as Viola asks Tina to snap her and Jesse's picture. "OMG your my totes fav! I think you are such a handsome boy, My fourteen year old daughter LOVES you!" Viola exclaims as her hand creeps dangerously close to Jesse's buttcrack. 'Click' "Thanks so much Jesse!" Viola gushes as she winks at Jesse seductively. At last she has a profile pic that doesn't make her butt look big.

Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what to do with his new found fame.  He immediately starts dating a little known much hotter gold-digging model and probably takes up either smoking or marijuana.  Additionally due to technical difficulties his Facebook profile gets shut down and he’s forced to only use Twitter for three months.

Back to the movie.  Despite serious subject matter there are definite points of humor and levity in the film…We see the good, the bad and the ugly of the founding of Facebook with mostly a focus on the ugly, painting Mark Zuckerberg out to be a worse guy than he is.

Mark Zuckerberg. Did you ever know that you're my hero? You're everything I wish I could be. I can fly higher than an eagle. Cause you are the wind, beneath my wings.

The movie will cause a movement.  It will not only further deepen current users attachment to Facebook, but inspire a whole new group of people to adopt the amazing site.

You think that book has broadband?

Long story short I see BIG things ahead for this movie.  When people look back on 2010 and say.  Oh wow, Robin Hood sucked, Marmaduke sucked, Last Airbender sucked, etc. sucked.  They’ll at least have a few bright spots in Toy Story 3, Inception and The Social Network.  Mark my words people.  THIS is a movie you do not want to miss.

"I love facebook so you should 'Like' this post!" said Jim.

Older Entries Newer Entries