“What?!?! This is an action movie??? My agent said we were shooting a perfume commercial. Welp! Guess I’ll just stick around and see what happens!”

So I shelled out the $13.50 to see Predators this weekend and boy oh boy am I excited to share the news with you! (There will be Spoilers.)

I guess I’ll just start from the beginning.  Where does Predators (2010) fall in the list of Predator movies over time.

1.  Predator (1987)

2.  Predators (2010)

3.  Predator 2 (1990)

4/5. Alien Vs. Predator & Alien Vs. Predator Requiem (Year doesn’t matter and seriously?  Somewhere out there are studio execs still counting Scrooge McDuck-esq bags of money and laughing at us, the consumer.)

(Scottish Accent) "Thanks John Q. Public for showing up in droves to the AVP movies! I'll just be taking these to my massive above-ground vault to swim in with the rest of the money you gave me for Paul Blart: Mall Cop!"

Now back to Predators:  There are some glaring inconsistencies.

1.  How is Topher Grace (The Doctor) able to identify plants on the Predator planet?  THIS MAKES NO SENSE!  Alien planet=Alien plant life.  Easy way to fix this is to have one of the people get a minor prick from the “Paralysis Plant” and just have 1/2 their body go numb for an hour.  Then Topher can steal the sap and still slice up people and make them numb-er than an Enron exec’s feelings.

2a.  Lawrence Fishburne.   This is a two parter.  Apparently according to the new code of the predator world the ONLY thing you need to turn invisible is a predator mask.  Oh, and it automatically works for humans too.

"Somebody order up some Crime Scene Investigation? No??? I'll just be going then..."

Yep, there it is.  Just steal a Predator Mask and presto you’ve got yourself a Kevin Bacon, Hollow Man recreation!

Interviewer: "So Kevin, why did you decide to do Hollow Man? The script? The characters?" Baconator: "Off the record?" Interviewer: "Sure." Baconator: "I really just wanted to touch some of that boob." (People that haven't seen this movie, that's actually what he does. Turn invisible and grope boob.)

2b.  Why does Lawrence Fishburne lure them back to his secret hideout to try and kill them when ALL he has to do is let them get killed off by the predators and then steal their stuff?  I also really wonder how much he got paid for this as he’s only in the movie for all of about 8 minutes before his dumbassedness gets himself and the big-hearted Russian guy blown up.

Brody: "Ivan, I see you've been spending and awful lot of time over at Fishburne's trailer...you know he's going to get you killed..." Ivan: "It's ok, I owe him my life for getting me out of the Matrix. Just doing my part to protect Zion." Brody: "You do know this is Predators right?" Ivan: "Later Adrien, I need to go consult with the Oracle..."

3.  Progression of Predator Lead-men.  First we have Ahhh-nald.

(Arnold Accent) "Laugh all you want. This lump is a buildup of pure testosterone I'm saving for when I ram my fist into your stomach. And no, Eeets Nawt a Tooo-ma!"

Then we have Danny “The gloves come off” Glover…

On hearing the news Glover was elated. "Angels in the Outfield II just got greenlit?!?! Come in here Mr. Studio Exec for the real thing!"

And finally…A-Fed.

"Yo Adrien? Yo, ADRIEN! That's funny right? Like referencin' Rocky and shit!" said Kevin douchebaggedly. "You gotta peep some of this style and all the hunnies'll be up on that skinny white ass!" Adrien gingerly turned his cap 20 degrees off center. It felt...SOOOO right... "You're the boss Fed-EX!"

Ok, ok, ok.  So Brody’s got acting chops.  My only question is what happened to the raw physical awesome (Awesome as noun) that was so prevalent in the first Predator?  Has it been diluted over time, like so much homeopathic home remedy?  At one point in the movie Brody reveals a pretty chiseled and uncharacteristically muscled physique that’s pretty impressive.  BUT, is it as impressive as say…I don’t know…THIS!

"You ole, sonuvabitch! How the hell are ya! How's about we do an unconventional handshake and flex?" said the guy on the left who's name I can't remember. "Sounds about right!" Arnold replied. "SLAP!"

I mean this is your new lead character.

"Mmmmm, I do believe I'll go kill some Predators, but first I've got to finish this concerto and take tea with Mrs. Haversham...ahh well, time does indeed fly as they say!"

My final verdict on this is that Brody is a passable lead to the Predators reboot.  I’d like to see what he could have done with a stronger script and I’m impressed with his dedication to the physical transformation.  Bravo Mr. Brody, you get an A for effort.  Meanwhile, your co-star Danny Trejo get’s an A for awesome.

"The most badass thing about this movie is that I trim this 'stache with it!"

(Machete comes out September 3rd and co-stars Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriquez and Lindsay Lohan.)

4.  Last but not least.  The producers of this movie forgot one thing.  I guarantee I’m not the first one to think of this but what if, in the next film they brought out the ULTIMATE predator hunter?  None would escape and we’d find out what was going through the predators minds when they stalked us.  Ladies and Gentlemen, scroll down to see the Ultimate Predator Hunter….

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HANSEN!!!

Chris Hansen: "So, what exactly are you doing here?" Predator: "RaaRRRGGGRAARRGG!" Chris: "I have a transcript here, in it you say, quote 'I want to wear fishnet stockings when I harvest your spine.' Now what exactly does that mean Mr. Predator?" Predator (Nervous now, hands in his pockets...) "Rarrrggg?" Chris: "What's that you've got in your pocket there?" Predator pulls out condom... Chris: "So you DID intend to have sex..."

Ladies and gentlemen that is all.  I would recommend Predators for DVD/On Demand rental and probably wouldn’t pay to see it in the theaters again.  It is however a fun action movie and for fans of the Predator franchise this may be a fun re-visitation.

Who's ready for Matrix 4? And...maybe some Invisalign for that gap... THIS GUY!

YO ADRIEN!  Subscribe.

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