If you haven’t seen this film there are spoilers below.

"You're only getting 5 Million for this Tim Allen?!?! HA-HA-HA!! I'm Tom F-ing Hanks, You know I'm gettin' paid!"

I have to admit, I never saw the second Toy Story.  I know, I know.  I’m a terrible fan.  Well all of that doesn’t matter as it’s pretty easy to pick up right from the beginning of the 3rd installment in the Toy Story Franchise.  The plot once again centers around Woody, Buzz Lightyear and Andy’s other toys this time faced with the problem of a grown up Andy.  Andy, you see is headed off to college and when faced with the decision of what to do with his toys, he decides to take Woody with him and put all the other toys in the attic.  Andy’s thick skulled mom mistakes the toy sack for garbage and throws it out.  Mom fail.

What ensues is an escape from the garbage man only to have all the toys mistakenly get taken to Sunnyside daycare.  A daycare run by Lots-o-Huggin’ Bear or “Lotso,” voiced by Ned Beatty.  Lotso is, essentially, a Teddy Ruxpin from Hell.  While warm and cuddly on the outside he has a heart of pure evil and basically enslaves the new toys to go work the “catapiller room” (room for super young kids who treat toys like crap) so he and his buddies can hog all the hugs/love to themselves in the butterfly room.

I'll murder you in your sleep! Hugs!!!

As Teddy Ruxpin took a long deep drag on the Marlboro Red he wondered how he ever got mixed up with Lotso Huggin Bear and where his life would be now if he hadn't...

Woody manages to escape before finding out how terrible his friends have it and he starts a journey back to meet with Andy and get his ass to college.  There is an excellent B/C/D story here with Barbie (from Andy’s house) and Ken (Lotso’s effeminate thug.)  I keep imagining Ken as a 8 inch tall Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.

"Hey Barbie, I got us reservations.......(dramatic pause).....at Dorsia.

"So what do you do?" asked Barbie. "I'm into, uh, murders and executions mostly." Ken replied. "Do you like it?" She asked. "Well it depends, why?" Ken replied. "Well, most guys I know who are in Mergers and Acquisitions really don't like it." Barbie said gazing deep into Ken's dreamy eyes...

Barbie after a wild night in Ken's dream house...

Anyway, long story short, Woody finds a new home with a small child, Bonnie, but soon discovers he’s left his friends in a War Zone back at Sunnyside.  He rushes back to save them only to discover, BUZZ HAS BEEN REPROGRAMMED BY LOTSO!!! OH NO!!!

My Halloween costume this year. Extra tube socks not shown.

So Woody and the gang devise a plan to escape which goes off without a hitch till they get to the dumpster and Lotso foils it!  They all end up getting thrown in the dumpster and carted away to the dump.   Once at the dump they’re to be shredded and incinerated which leads to the toys saving Lotso from certain death only to have him backstab them moments later when he has the chance to stop the conveyor belt carrying them to the plastic-melting fires of hell.

Long story short they all make it back to Andy’s after this and Woody makes a last play to get the toys donated to Bonnie’s house.  The closing scene where Andy gives his toys (including Woody) to Bonnie and has one last playtime with them was for me a moment of cinema magic.  While they’re just toys, Pixar manages to turn them into more than just that and tug at a heartstring I didn’t know existed.  After taking some Pepcid the Heartstring/Heartburn went away and I got on with my life again but just for a moment…MAGIC.  Bravo Pixar.

Just One Tablet, prevents and relieves heartburn... and feelings!

If you haven’t, go see this movie immediately and pray for the day when movies like “Shorts” don’t exist anymore.

From the director of 'Spy Kids,' 90 raw minutes of eye-gouging terrible: Shorts.

If you think the only Shorts that should exist are the ones that give you swampass, click here.  Subscribe in RSS. Or sign-up for email updates on the side of the screen.

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