Keep in Mind if you haven’t seen this movie, I’m about to spoil it.  Here’s the trailer if you need a refresher.

Birth of a Legend.  The tagline to the recently released Robin Hood starring Russell Crowe, fresh off his “Fightin’ Round the World” Animated Series and Cate Blanchett who’s paparazzi face most often resembles someone wrestling with a difficult fart.

Pre-Fart Face

"OMG, this is going to be epic..." Cate thought simultaneously clenching her teeth and buttcheeks.

The look of sweet, sweet release

The look of sweet release...

As you can see Russell Crowe was under some harsh conditions this time around.  Well, apparently so was everyone else including the audience.  I’ll just start with a quick list on how to chop this thing up and make it better.

  1. Remove the children in the woods subplot.   It adds  nothing to the story, doesn’t make much sense and seems as if it were part of a greater whole before 3/4 of it ended up on the editing room floor.  The entire thing should have been deleted.  Oh wait it makes perfect sense that these young boys wear Scarecrow type masks ala Batman Begins,aren’t afraid of flaming arrows,  suddenly grow consciences and decide to help Nottingham.  Ummm, no.

    "I think I'm in the wrong movie..." thought Cillian Murphy listlessly.

  2. More William Hurt.  One of the most underrated actors ever.  Please include more or him.  No wait lets just boot him out of the royal court and then have him plot a little and sit on his ass while Prince John bones everyone and ruins the kingdom.
  3. Bigger Set Pieces.  I emphasize this because this is Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe we are dealing with.  I mean, Master and Commander had bigger action sequences.  The final battle reminds me of the LAIR battle at the end of Role Models.  There just aren’t enough people/ships/swords and buckets of testosterone to make me care or WOW me.    In case you haven’t seen the summary of French Battles throughout history then, go to http://www.google.com, enter “French military victories” then click on the “I’m feeling Lucky” button.  It pretty much sums up how much is NOT at stake here.
  4. Plot Hole.  If Godfrey is only going around with 200 men and those men aren’t even Englishmen why does word not reach Prince John sooner that A) they are French and B) Why do they have to trick him?  All William Marshal has to do is say.  “Go talk to Godfrey’s death squad and see if they speak any English.  Oh they don’t?  Well why don’t you get you’re head out of your ass and help me run this country, Marshal Out!”  Oh yea, and if Marshall really wanted to stop them I’m pretty sure he could get more than 200 men to go hack/arrow/axe the crap out of them.  C’mon guy just take some GD initiative instead of tip-toeing like a little bitch.
  5. Cate Blanchett and the Kid Brigade showing up to fight on the beach and Robin actually letting them fight is completely stupid and would never happen.  Also, who says these little shits can even compete on the battlefield with PROFESSIONAL FRENCH KILLING MACHINES?  All they’ve done is run around the woods the past few years and grow a little hair on the sack.  Two Words:  Doubt it.  As for Marion.  In the world of old England, embroidery is KING and in the words of Bill Shakespeare, “Get thee to a nunnery.”

I guess in summary I felt like Robin Hood could have been so much more.  Like an NBA basketball star’s kid that gets cut from the JuCo squad.  So much promise, so little delivery.  I return to the tagline:  Birth of a Legend.  Call me Pro-Choice but this is one birth that may better have been aborted.

To make the experience a little better I’ll leave you with the only Russell Crowe thing I’ve seen that’s worse than Robin Hood.  Russell Crowe singing and dancing!!!!!!!

Rob from the Rich!!! Give to the Poor!!!  Subscribe.

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